Joe – My friend
One fine night while we were having supper at Spicy bite, civil lines, I was just reminding Joe about water stoppage in OH after 10pm. He has had a history of over-eating and then running towards the woods behind CLT department with a mineral water bottle in hand to leave his impression at the CET. The gastronomic spread lying in front of him forced him to forget the number of times I have ran to Mahewa to get you mineral water. I had an account with Indian electricals for Joe, 'aqua fina' account. Joe settled it at the final year end paying 540 Rs. Joe used to target CET for leaving his impression cos(u all mite know): CET boys often misbehaved with CBT girls and one of them was close to Joe's heart. Joe had also confided with me that he has recurring nightmares of his **** being stung by vipers since his childhood. So he always chose a open area just like the one around CET, where there are no bushes and trees thereby avoiding snakes and getting some good air and views(GH). He once told me he saw a girl doing a window dance in the third floor of GH.
I remember one day there was no electricity and Joe wanted to go. He was scared of darkness. We didn’t have a torch. So, Joe borrowed Jesse bhaiyya’s bike and Nelson took him to CET and Nelson showed him light with the headlamp and Joe spent 30 minutes with his PSP playing Harry Potter and leaving his impressions for CET. Nelson was checking out to see if any girl was doing window dance that night in GH. At last Nelson got bored and Bikes battery was weak too, So, Nelson and Joe decided to come back to hostel.
CET- College of Engineering & Technology
CBT-College of Biotechnology
GH- girls hostel
How Joe Chellsundar ate Chicken, got laid and went to CET,
The westerly winds were blowing across the yamuna and the AAIDU campus. It was a chilly spring night, just past midnight when Pandeyjee (Eternal guardian) was riding his bicycle across the GH towards the CET. It was just another day at work for this security guard who has been in a state of constant bedazzlement for the past one and a half decade of his life, the reason his pretty wife Chandni( Chandni ben). She was his dream come true and he lived under her love like a mouse caught in a trap. He was rehearsing in his mind the things that he would do tonight with her when he gets home. In his moments of sensual dawdling, he suddenly saw a beam of light across the sky and an accompanying sound. The bedazzled man that he was, he stopped to listen carefully and analyse. Then he saw it. A creature, 2 feet tall which looked like a monkey, had white small ears and the rest of the body was black. It was shaking at a constant rate and humming: Harree Ram, Harre Ram..... The beam of light and this constant moving and chanting convinced Pandeyjee that it was a Ram bhakt that had come down from heaven. He was delirious. The excitement caused him to tremble and he could not hold his cycle properly. He pushed the cycle and lathi aside and ran for his life shouting all the way, harree rammmm, harrreee ramm.
It was Joe doing his thing at 12:30 that night after eating all the chicken earlier. He was playing Harry Potter and the half blood prince in his PS where some one was shouting "Harrrrrryyyyy run, Harrryyyyyy run". Joe was wearing a black cap and was listening to my ipod using white earplugs, so the white ears. He was listening to Metallica, so the impossible head banging in a squatted position. The beam of light was from Jesse bhaiyya's bike headlamp and an output of Nelson's magnanimous act of friendship.
Joe is a very nice human being. Joe Chellsundar is a great fan of Adolf Hitler and Lord Voldemort. They are his idols. Uttar Pradesss is a forest and any news will spread like forest fire. The news of the Godly man also spread like a raging fire and reached far and wide including the heights of the Himalayas. Apparently UP ka cellone network exists everywhere. People started flocking the campus from the next morniong. They were touching and praying to every possible object they could lay their hands upon. They were also trying to pull out memorablia from the campus so that it can be carried to their villages and worshipped there. One guy even tried to pull away a female student's chunni in front of the Co-operative store. He apparently thought she was Goddess Parvathi only to be rudely awakened by local moral police, my respected seniors, Ali Sher and Pinku mahewa. The Gujjus even tried to cash in on this occasion by setting up a chai and samosa stall. The Police cordoned off the location where the Godly creature was sighted allowing only VIPs to go and sight the material that the creature left. The The Centre for cell and molecular Biology, Hyderbad arrived to take the sample that was left over by the heavenly creature that smelt like human excretory matter. The head scientist suspected the authenticity of the sample and asked the Police to check Panjeyjeee's mental stability. But an eager activist of the saffron brigade, slapped him and said "chup chaap apna kaam karo bhai saab, dhanye hogi aapki". People started pouring in from different parts of the world. They came from as far as Tamil Nadu, Kasmir and even London. The malayalee students were walking around the campus wearing mundus so that malayalee pilgrims can be lured and mugged for coconut oil and beaf pickle. The hostel area was cordoned off and special security given for students. But the crowd could not be managed and students were asked to pack up and leave. We four (Me, Joe, King and Nel) stayed on with the Pandians and watched all the fun. All the major political leaders had come down to Allahabad and holding rallies to claim hamara Uttar Prades as the land of the Lords. Yes, indeed Uttar Prades is the land of the Lords. Lord Voldemort. We four of us were smirking all the way through the past 3 days. It was all very very funny for the four of us who knew the real Godly man, Mr. Joe Chellasundar
Mayhem in the holy commotion, the turn of events was getting worse. “Holy Shit!” Everyone exclaimed. The nanga (N. Baba) and nangi babas (Ni. Baba) were coming from the Himalayas. An odd one started trickling in and soon their number increased and they were flooding in. The state government panicked and banned the entry of the civilian pilgrims into the campus. Only the students were allowed to go to the hostels. The newly holy place looked like a nudist camp with police men and an odd student who was refusing to leave for home citing the approaching exams as a reason. They were freely roaming in the campus along with the babas and least bothered about exams. After a breakfast of meetha bun makhan at khan chacha, chungi, I took a walk around the campus to see what my friends were up to.
Johnny was a well known as an expert in both physical and metaphysical principles. He and his brother apostle Paul were praying very hard to God in his room for the N. babas to go back and for peace to return o the campus. There was a belief in AAIDU that the intelligent students were always rebels of some sort. Most intelligent women dated younger men and intelligent men dated older women. Jalal Burder, the most intelligent MBA I have ever seen was found checking out the Ni. Babas (Most of them in their 60s). The king of perverts was pretending to help the babas by hanging out with them near the basket ball court. Avik banerjee was seen asking a baba near CBT for his tissue sample, may be a piece of hair, so that he can analyse genetic makeup of their creed. Arnab Lahiri was busy in a discussion on philosophy and life after death with another baba and Saurabh Choudary was deeply delved in photography. The baba replied to Avik, “Tum bache mere **** ***** *** bhi nahi ukad sakte”. This answer startled the Bengali brigade. They walked away towards DT. Sayantan and Ashwin were checking out the N. babas especially Sayantan with utmost interest. Ashwin was vacillating either way not sure of his preferences. Sayantan moments of masculine disgrace was interrupted by the stopping of the train Jhelum Express. Tens of babas jumped out of the train as they had specially requested the engine driver to stop in the holy land.
In the hostel Pumit was munching Kurkure and studying. When I asked him if he’d like to join me for a walk in the campus he said,” G*** M*** B****, GRE keliye sirf 14 mahine baaki hain, tum jao. Mujhe padne do” In the neighbouring room, Bashish was as usual wearing his underwear on top of his pyjama and said on the phone.” Shweetu, don’t worry. (Super)man hoon na”. Bashish ‘s roommate Aghori (Alok Tanu Halder) was lying on his bed wearing just his favourite piece of red cloth. He had applied some mehndi on his hair and multani mitti on his face. Sayantan in an attempt to befriend a baba initiated a conversation by saying that he had a nanga friend in the hostel. The N.baba in an attempt to take this wannabe baba under his aegis decided to meet him. He called out to his mates and set out to go t to the NH from CET. Ashwin was a little late in ringing Halder up and tell him about Sayantan’s stupidity. Aghori sprung to his feet when he heard the babas knocks on his door. He was in splits and didn’t have the time to dress up. He picked up his purse and the dancing Shiva statue (a gift to Moni) and ran out through the back door and outside on a journey to his hometown Kolkata. Bashish helped him by reminding him to wear his underwear preventing a major catastrophe. When he reached the love lane, the fatherly Cutting Uncle saw him running half nude, mehndi on hair and multani mitti on face and asked if he was okay. Aghori quickly perched on the Red Karisma’s pillion and asked uncle to drop him at the station. Uncle turned the bike and raced away.
Moments after this Vivek Khare comes in his enticer. What we saw shocked us. In his pillion was a Ni. Baba in all her gargantuan elitism, affectionately cuddling him from the back. Khare with a smile said, “Hey bro! I found her. She is the one. She is witty, wild and wet. All the ‘W’s that I wanted. I am so happy yar!” I gave a wry smile. “The bloody ‘W’hore” muttered a female friend of mine who fancied Vivek. Just then a two wheeler whizzed past me and I had precariously missed a mishap. I turned back to see Kingsly showing some stunts in Pandian Uncle’s white scooty. I gave him a glare and turned back to see Kharag Singh from Kharagpur selling saw dust in the name of drugs to the babas. I thought to myself, old habits die hard.
Temperature was rising in Joe’s mind. He was feeling the guilt consciousness. He was cursing himself for eating the two plates of chicken at Spicy bite on that fateful night. Nelson and his greatness decided to treat Joe to make him feel better. They together then went to Kajal cinema in Rambagh to watch ‘Kama Mia’, an adult flick. Joe later cribbed about Nelson’s frugality since Nel made him the movie sitting on the floor on a ticket that was seven rupees( second cheapest).
Sab maya hai.
The menace of the babas was mounting. The university officials were trying their best to cast away the demons that had landed on the campus. There were special prayers on Yeshu darbar and it was compulsory for all Christian students. A yellow bus full of prisoner girls was also sent. Prasad Sir (Chimpu, biochemistry) was fasting for three days on the trot and he was carried away to Jeeva Jyothi hospital in GH ambulance. The VC was thinking about the future of his red family if the Babas adopted the campus citing religious reasons. The intelligent strategist that he is, he decided to attack the problem with two approaches. The glamour factor and fear factor.
The news was sent out to the students to prepare an attack on these lines. Glamour factor: Apsara dhokla, Bibek TK and friends came in with a performance of ‘Crazy kiya re’, ‘dhoom’ and ‘Babuji’. Strangely, this turned off the babas as they fell silent and were looking restless. An odd baba was even trying to get his things together preparing to leave. Kamna Dubey, AAIDU’s favourite lady spoiled this mission by making a special appearance. The babas started moving to the beats of the song once KD took centerstage. Thje whole place including the staff and Pandey baba was dancing to ‘Babujee’. Mission failed. Sushant Gadroo tried to lure them out with his acrobatic break dancing. The Ni. Babas liked it so much that they groped him in uncomfortable places forcing him to flee in his LML freedom. Bashish , his body guard followed him in his Rajdoot. They later proceeded to the police station and filed an FIR for molestation and causing mental and physical agony. An ardent female admirer of Sushant set about to stage a ‘fast until death’ protest demanding the state government to provide more security to men. ‘Indian Idol’ Akansha Singh was roped in to use her singing talents to charm these babas just like Pied piper. She was accompanied by Shareif Zechariah on guitar and Kamna dubey on drums which she managed to play with a m metal chair. She started to sing her favourite song ‘yaaron’ and went on singing for 20 minutes repeating the chorus and fully confident of her expertise. The babas liked the monotony of her singing and went into deep trance. Some dosed off. The Akansha move had backfired.
Then the University authorities decided to use the ‘Fear factor’. They made Kingsly and Rahul Chopra dress up like lions and do wheelies in their respective bikes in the stretch of road between Non-formal and CET. During the display of extreme bravado and innovation, Kingsly’s white scooty crashed into Choprs’s pulsar sending both the lions crashing to the ground. The ambulance was called. Brij Yadi, the power baton, son of the MLC of Jaunpur and Nephew of Mullis Yadi , the CM of UP was expected to possess shrewd conversational skills and political acumen. He was sent to have a round of talks with the Babas and ask them to leave. The nervous Brij asked for me to accompany him. I said going alone would potray his strength and pr project him as a leader. He half heartedly went and peed on his pants half way. Sherinder Bahamen Pal came around and fired two shots in the air. That made no difference. He then went about staring at the private parts of many babas. He noticed but went back unnoticed.
A brilliant idea stuck my mind. I realised only something ugly and disturbing can chase these babas away. I immediately thought of Maya Singh, my best friend. She was as ugly as a train to Bihar. Strangely there were so many guys who fancied her and she was the numero uno alpha female of our campus. My instincts said that this idea will work. I spoke to the VC in a highly confidential conclave and obtained permission to carry out my trick. I dialled Maya’s high secret reliance mobile number and asked her to come and meet me to take a casual walk. When she came down, as usual I felt that many eyes were looking at us. Suddenly one guy shouted,” Sir, don’t mess with my maal”. I was stunned by a junior’s belligerent affection and slapped him tight and said “ Saale maal bolta hai, ab sorry bol”. He said, “Sir aap mere maal pe kade ho.” I turned around to see that we were standing in the middle of his makeshift shopping centre. “Oh yeh mall hai Patel, sorry yar”. I picked up an appy fizz and hide and seek biscuits from his mall and went to the CET area with Maya. The babas were stunned. Their eyes were shrinking in agony. The wind started blowing heavily as we strolled down and the mud was rising up in the air suggesting an impending cyclone. The started chanting their mantras but in vain as the wind started blowing harder. I understood all these natural phenomenon as the clash of the three kingdoms of earth. The good, bad and the ugly. The babas soon packed up their belongings and started leaving the campus. Special trains were organised by railway ministry to carry them back to Himalayas.
Peace was finally returing to the AAIDU campus. Residents of the campus were not sure what possessed the campus for the last one week. Joe was very proud of m me and thanked me profusely. He was relieved that the whole fiasco is over and done with and now he can get back to spicy bite and eat more chicken. He has resolved never to go near CET again for his midnight missions and choose the orchard instead. The whole campus was happy as a major disaster of turning a University into a religious place of worship was averted. The VC secretly called me to thank me and gave me a scholarship. Rahul Gandhi offered me a ticket in Congress youth wing. I said to myself, “Sab Maya hai” .