Healing

Didnt I know these pleasures of the world,
Until I scraped myself in you and life,

Myself,involved and rigoured.
Needed never I, the warmth of nature,
Until time revealed life, an ugly unfilled caricature.
When life cracks and castles tumble to dusty shacks,
Good Lady! Step onto these sins, chilling and healing,
Your feet will be washed , divine cleansing and delightful singing,

This embracing breeze shall love you always,
When I and the world are, well far far gone.
And you might want to be here,

looking a cure for life, scrape prone..

Two lives.

The smile, the grace and the breeze
pain of my heart creeps, an extra lease.
Thy existence, adorned, heavenly, with a smile on
Withstands my shout, inside the glass, you go on.
I ain’t seeing a tither of change, your emotions,
your happy resonance and innocent devotions.
Break, swear, rampage and tear the innocent earth
Curse the glass, open my jaws, self anger, I unearth.
Forget my life, lose myself in grief

I like to believe

Breach it was, wholesome, only for a brief.
Deep within I was calm with His embracing daze
Understood I, the unknown,what is,
Closed my eyes, and see the unseen bliss,

Strong people.

Some people in this world are strong. They need no emotions, sentiments and know not what these are. They will be born and will stroll along life so blankly that even the coolest of breezes don’t actually make them smile. I am awestruck when I see such individuals and pity myself for not being one of them. The protagonist described here will achieve whatever he wants and digest any stony event with ease. He will never be flustered for anything good or bad and seem to have absolute control over his life. They have limited memory and have only scope to remember events that are essential for life. He is materialistic and his life has no meaning for any other member of his species or any other entity in this world.

Does anyone think this for me?

"And you learn that you really can endure,you really are strong, you really do have worth,and you learn and you learn.With every goodbye, you learn."- Veronica Shoftshall.

I think every hurt mind gains strength to hurt another weak mind to make both minds stronger. The world is full of strong people. Blah blah.

Jayant J.J.

Primrose Hill

I am going through a writer's block and a human's block at the moment. My life is happily floating across the horizon of an epoch with a novel form of excitement that involves directionsless precision.

Bugged by the inactivity of a typical saturday afternoon, I went on a walk to Primrose hill, a small area within the Regent's park. This visit, my second, was inspired by my recent enlightenment that Primrose hill is voted the most romantic picture of geography in London. I did have a happy time there( sadly ) on both occasions with my romantic dates, who happened to be men (My friends Vamsi and Bhaumik).

I am hereby posting a few pics that I thought came out really well. Please appreciate my pessimistic confusion, clearly suggested by my mixture of the dark shades with the reds and the yellows. bssssssssssssss, But I still see beauty. Check out the flower.

Expanse

Across the world’s expanse,
My thoughts are the midnight’s sea.

Some elements do seep through trance,
Like the expanse between you and me.

hmmmm

How on earth can she maintain two full stops every time she types in anything? I am floored as usual.

The child and his colourful blindness.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JsflpP0FOcY&feature=related

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kvl_Nkn7tOY&feature=related

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yGcJIhpJpIU

I was lost in awe at the fireworks in the Mayor’s Thames carnival. I was lost at the sight of the midnight moon, the mystical never ending sky and the planes queuing up to land at the London Heathrow across the BT tower.

The child in me still lives.

Far away in India, in rural Orissa, innocent human beings are being killed for some indigestible reasons. The claim for annihilation and destruction is the conversions of human beings from faith ‘Hinduism’ to faith ‘Christianity’.

I don’t accept forced conversions of any kind and am wary of religious converts of any direction. I believe, a conversion of faith is a mighty event in anyone’s life and should be a result of a long struggle with oneself involving a sky full of wrestling thoughts, questions, answers, experience and wisdom. This scepticism will eventually lead to increased relative clarity and peacefulness within one’s self. I herewith second the famous Oscar Wilde quote,’ Scepticism is the beginning of faith’. I can testify to this fact.

Around the world, skilled orators have been accepted leaders of human beings. They can throw to the masses sugar coated languor or stirring phillipics that pump the adrenalin. The case in religious unrest of all kinds in India. Biologically adrenalin is the hormone secreted by the adrenal medulla that acts as a powerful stimulant in response to fear or stress. In the worldly plane, adrenalin can result in temporary blindness of the mind and the heart, resulting in dusting away the beautiful life that can be. Well thought out faith can withstand adrenalin, but the weak shall be carried away like the chaff in the wind. The chaff in this case is the root cause of all detruction.

As goes popular understanding, every human being remains a child till he dies. Recently I came across this quote by an Italian novelist, Leo Rosten, “You can understand and relate to most people better if you look at them, no matter how old or impressive they may be, as if they are children. For most of us never really grow up or mature all that much, we simply grow taller. O, to be sure, we laugh less and play less and wear uncomfortable disguises like adults, but beneath the costume is the child we always are, whose needs are simple, and whose daily life is still best described by fairy tales.”

“Every child is a thought in the mind of God, and our task is to recognize this thought and help it toward completion.”anonymous. With unprecedented connectivity across the world and easy access to the worldly events, the child (all possible definitions) of today is facing an insurge of thoughts (all kinds) against convention from all planes and angles. What is he going to assimilate and synthesise?

The Child lives on seeking answers.

A Fairy tale life is simple. The answer is faith.

Faith makes all things possible, But love makes all things easy- anonymous philosopher.

Herewith I would like to add two very often used Biblical verses. Mark, 12:30, 31.

30’And thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind, and with all thy strength: this [is] the first commandment.
31’ And the second [is] like, [namely] this, Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself. There is none other commandment greater than these .

It is not easy to understand these verses, and life. But simply put, lets try and love each other. If we cannot, lets not hate each other. We are blessed with lives.

A layman’s take on “What is wrong with Roger?”

- He should not crouch while receiving a serve especially against top players like Nadal and Djokovic. I think they are purposefully prolonging the time they take to serve by bouncing the ball excessively. It keeps Federer in the crouched position for a few extra seconds every serve which eventually accumulates to a considerable amount of time leading to fatigue.

- Whenever a serve from the opponent goes long or is in the wrong court, Roger should try and hit the ball back in the other court as this will give him extra confidence of his hitting. He used to do that regularly during his peak prowess.

The power of a random sound and the art of growing up.

I heard something. The sound of the heavy fan that starts after 4 hrs of power cut late in the night or early in the morning in Allahabad.( AAIDU campus, A sprawling airy 4 bedded Room No:12, Old Hostel, 2003) There is happiness all around the sleeping hostel at the sound of the fan. The subconscious goes delirious. Every sleeping Aggie lets out a smile just like he did when he was an infant. Little does it know that the happiness is short lived. The agonising reduction in the intensity of the fan’s sound in a few moments suggested a power cut again. Subconsciously every heart crumbles and mumbles some (not so) pleasantries with darkness.

I heard something. The sound of a heavy fan that starts after 4 hrs of power cut late in the night or early in the morning in Allahabad. (AAIDU campus, a small, stinky, closed 2 bedded Room No: 100, New Hostel, 2007). Then supposedly, there was a power cut again, (I didn’t know). There was subdued derision of the obvious mishap, the power cut, the anopheles jazz, the smell of the sweaty achievements and the burden of the worldly existence. There was monotony, the monotony of silence and the monotony of calmness. The Aggies have now learnt to understand reality even in their sleep. Little does this event of power restoration matter to them. They have learnt to be happy in their subconscious minds and sleep on with angelic nonchalance come what trouble..

My friend!!

At this point, 12:30 in the dark night, I am searching for the proper emotions to emote. I am numb. I do not know how to react. His grace in unbelievably inexplicable and too much for my own comfort. It pleasantly suffocates me. He will make me understand his Love for me even when I am worthless for a glance at that luxury. He has taken me out of situations so grave that I can think of nothing but him and his ever forgiving nature. To mention his ever forgiving nature is an understatement. He has acted like an all-things granting genie for me in my life. For the uninitiated, he has bailed me out of every possible mishap in the most precarious of times and taught me to appreciate life. I have a feeling that he has spoon fed life to me. He has proven to me again today that, wherever I go and whichever path I decide to take, his love will always be there and he will only send me on journeys which I am well prepared. He has made me a king and let me live life King size. When He is with me, nobody can be against me.
If anyone is still wondering who I am talking about, it is my best friend, Lord Jesus Christ. ‘You are only as good as your friend’ is the age old adage. Nothing in this world can be a better example for an exception for this than me and him. Although there isn’t any jealousy involved from my side at his mighty position, I can do nothing but adore and take pride in my friend. I can’t thank him enough for all that he has done for me. His character makes me want to get up from my fall and be like him. I want to run and run shouting about him and his Love. He is the God. He is the almighty.

A few verses that kept me going in the past few days.

Psalm 79:11, 13.

Demonstrate your power by saving those condemned to die. For we people , the sheep of your pasture will thank you forever and ever, praising your greatness from generation to generation.

Psalm 80:15

Watch over and care for this vine that you yourself have planted. This son that you have raised for yourself.

Psalm 82:2

How long will you judges hand down unjust decisions? How long will you shower special favours on the wicked?

The reason why I write this blog is because , my results are out and my close friends would not want to believe this: I have a Master's degree in Science. It was an uncertainity till the moment the results were out.

One fine night

In this cold summer night in London at 2.0 AM in the morning, a thought crossed my mind. A random thought arising out of my boredom with foiled sleep attempts by factors dearest. I saw a portion of a park. Some place like Regents park. A wide ground on a full moon day but dark as it is in a park covered with gothic gargantuan trees. In the middle of it was a sleepy mansion surrounded with trees, which I associate with the peace and calm of the south Indian countryside. The weather outside in london tonight has been rather uncharacteristic with moderately heavy winds that sound to me like the coastal winds in the beaches of kanyakumari , my hometown and one of my highly argumentative idea of paradise. There in that cottage I saw light in a couple of rooms. This scenario which I associate with the conventional demand for light for survival. In the middle of the solitude and quietness, I saw no one yet I think I fathom seeing a few figures. A flash of happiness lashed my mind. I felt good. I have the inkling that I have seen this scenario many a number of times. Vaguely in my memory, I can recollect dreaming about it in my childhood.

Smile not!

Smile not that piercing scathe,
They rob me of all that I hath,
Hope, strength, and goodness
I Wonder, why this meakness.

Thou art a glorious vine,
The land where the sun will shine.
Thine grace will redeem the lame,
Put a horizon of orchids to shame.

Thou is not the storm that breaks bastions,
Thou art the breeze, setting my mind, chimes in emotions.
Keep moving, you, across abound creation,
Setting up life,beautiful, fulfilling His vision.

God's child.

Oh lady,
Heavenly breeze, creation glorious,
Thy beauty and wisdom captivate the ingenuous,
All existence looks on as you go past,
You must be certainly blessed, you must.
Thy sight I gaze at, everywhere, at all space,
My reason, mind and the unreasonable solace.
Cross not with my self, for thine majestic sake,
Thine sensuality and sinful play, I pray, not are fake.
God’s children are watched over, well kempt,
Thou shalt be one, or may not be, inept.
My sight and existence is not mine,
Driven around in a journey, most wonderful and divine.
Thou interruptions shall take shape,
On thy goodness alone, whilst I remain in a blissful agape.
The worldly canter on, beautiful and ugly,

God’s children will walk on insulant; Blessed and Princely

A Dashing Chirkut.

I miss AAIDU

The leaf with wings.

As I float on air,

Carried on by my wings and the Wind,

Yearning to float on my own will,

Guided by the wind, cease as it never will.

Happened to kiss a few raindrops,(unintentionally),

(Now)waiting for them, expectations, all the sops,

Sometimes I anticipated,

Only to be reminded of the misunderstood.

I was desperate, Desolate and distraught,

The timing was hardly immaculate,

Realised the power of the Wind,

someone who is mighty, omniscient and overly kind.

Told myself to land sometimes,

Took off again, jealous were all other subjects,

There were many other leaves in the air,

Most flew , wanting to fly higher.

Raindrops splattered on them, didnt they bother,

They beat the wind, or so does it occur,

Few did fly, drop laden and glisten,

My flight is a bliss, a lot to sing and listen.

Know I don't of my flight,

Swift, plain, magnificient, and light,

Know I not my direction,

Peaceful, tranquil, blissful and everything in connection,

I fly on, for the raindrops and the Wind,

Glisten will I all along, thanks and praise in mind.

Hailstorm.

Looking down in deep despair,

hating to close my eyes, avoid the nightmare,

Trying to control the vibrations in my head,

pleading the earth to open up, take me ahead.

I hear the knocks on my windows,

I wonder what more, to me to be endowed.

Hailstorm.

They were there for me to die for,

Lift me up above thoughts, a place so far,

Where I danced in my thoughts,

Carefree, happy and tied to them in a million knots,

They fell on the earth and played around,

Happiness for me, needn't anymore look around.

Thank you God.

Way!!!

As I am on a desultory spree,
My mind tries hard to set me free,
What is it that I need to feel?
For God to pay heed and cool my heel.

The wind strikes me on my stroll,
I understand it to be God's knell,
Enjoy I always did the nature's vile.
Decoy it is, take it as God’s smile
.
Down the road as I go,
Frothing my head in subtle imbroglio,
A deft pain makes me seethe,
I realise the skin of my teeth.

There it is, the answer to all my questions,
Should savour life, clear in all calculations,
Follow my purpose, shout the success,
Adore my God and value the nexus.

orchids

How I wish to have known you lady?

All I think has your shades cravy......

Sometimes I doubt my state of mind.

Am I in it or have lost it in the time gone by....

Why is that happening to me?

Sheer purgatory, really and not a lame excuse.

Why am I feeling servile without you??

are you the consolation that a weak mind brewed??

Where are you taking me O God??

Will I ever find her?Please do nod..

Whatever and whenever, ready I will always be..

Merry it should be when I and the orchid dance in glee...

A letter to my mom.

Dear mom,
I think you probably know what I feel. But I just feel like saying it. I know I have been a worthless pain for you many times. Although you claim that I am your bundle of joy, I can tell you the innumerable number of times I have fallen short of your definition. I have come with a huge cost and I don’t know if I’ll be able to live up to your standards. I now realise how difficult it would have been to sacrifice your career and your youth to bring up some worthless thing like me. I remember very well being a bad kid with all sicknesses that kept you and me awake on many nights. I also repent all the occasions when I got into a street kid brawl and you bore the brunt of the other parent’s anger. I am also ashamed by my gradual decline in academics over the years. I know I kept you in the dark about my academics in college. I regret having ever done that as an adult. I have hidden many things that I did which I deem unsuitable for you to know. They are the things that you didn’t teach me and did not endorse. But as you have taught me, I have asked for strength from God to overcome that and am still trying to repent. Mom, it is really hard to learn something myself. I miss you every moment that I am alone on this big wide world. I miss you when I feel like bashing up someone that I hate and don’t find you around to protect me. Mom, this world is a wicked place full of bad people. I struggle to accept this world the way it is. This is not home. This is not where my heart is. I cannot understand why time has to move on.
Mom, I hate it when you ask me to grow up. I don’t like it when you want me to realise that I am a man now. I want to always remain your naughty little brat. You don't know how much I hate myself when I call you up and cry. I know I have been a cry baby all my life. But I am surely trying my best as you always wanted me to, but the world outside always beats me down. I feel most bliss when I am in your presence. I miss home mom.
I still feel that a fighter lives in me. I promise you that I will fight to grow up and do justice to all that you put in, the effort and all the sacrifices that you have made for your little man. I love you.

SELF PRESERVATION

The stupid ass that I am, I didn’t know that good movies such as this one existed. I am talking about “Love actually”. The stupid ass has still not seen the full movie though. He just chanced upon it through the favourite videos section of one of his friends in orkut and saw the Dido song, ‘Here with me’. She actually seems to have some really romantic stuff in her collection. Then I went and checked out the storyline in Wikipedia. This movie seems to be a collection of different stories, most of which didn’t really interest me. This was partly because of the heart warming experience that I had relating to this one particular story involving three characters Juliet, Peter and Mark.

Herewith I am pasting the storyline that I picked up from the Wiki.

“Juliet and Peter are wed in a lovely ceremony videotaped by Mark, Peter's best friend and best man. When the professional wedding video turns out to be dreadful, Juliet shows up at Mark's door in hopes of getting a copy of his footage, despite the fact that he has always been cold and unfriendly to her. The video turns out to consist entirely of close-ups of her, and she realizes that he is secretly in love with her. Mortified, Mark explains that his coldness to her is "a self-preservation thing" and excuses himself. On Christmas Eve, Mark shows up at Juliet and Peter's door posing as a carol singer with a portable CD player, and uses a series of cardboard signs to tell her that "at Christmas you tell the truth", yet, "without hope or agenda... to me, you are perfect." As he leaves, Juliet runs after Mark to give him a kiss and a sweet, sympathetic embrace, before returning to Peter. Mark tells himself, "Enough, enough now," perhaps acknowledging that it's time to move on with his life”.”

I watched this video at 3 in the morning after another frustrating day of failed study attempts. But this video gave me a kind of feel good factor that prompted me to write this blog. The reason for my instant liking to this video is this term ‘self preservation’. This acknowledges a man’s weakness for love and explains his controlled treatment of it that comes through experience and worldly wisdom. It also potrays the man’s confidence in life and strength to accept the truth. He thereby takes an effort to hide his inherent weakness and not lose his own self respect.I recall a quote from the legendary deaf mute icon, Helen Keller, “Life is either a daring adventure or nothing. To keep our faces toward change and behave like free spirits in the presence of fate is strength undefeatable.” This man realises that the lady he loves is his friend’s wife. He loves her and secretly admires her but comes across to her as someone unpleasant so as to hide his real emotions.

Man, this is one awesome plot and touches my heart as I could somehow relate to it. I also was amazed at the use of the words, ‘without a hope or agenda’. Well they were truly depictive of gentlemanly love which is pure, honest, practical and beautiful. I was wondering for a few days now if it is okay to express your appreciation for human beauty. But now I’ve realised that your appreciating it adds more beauty to it and a world of good to our personality for it removes secrecy and falsity in our minds. It is just about speaking our minds and I am doing it nowadays. But the catch of this situation is the strength of a man’s character where he transforms his words, “ enough, enough now” into actions.One must know where to draw the lines and I am sure it is very difficult. But again CHARACTER is the name of the process. I am sure it is possible although difficult.

It is 3:42 here is London and I am supposed to be studying. Never mind. Hats off to the guy who made the movie. It should be awesome. The stupid ass should try and watch it when he gets time.

Is love beautiful?

Is Love beautiful? Well for some lucky ones it is. But for some , it can be the most excruciating pain that the world can imagine. It can hurt you, dismantle you, disintegrate you, disfigure you, topple you, remake you, and eventually scare you about you connection with the world,literally killing you. I am not open to the idea of conveying my feelings for a girl because, I know it will pain me immensely if she kindly refuses. But the more fearful feeling inside me is the feeling of helplessness that I may go through when someone tells me how they'd love to love me. What if the my bell doesnt strike for that person who thinks the world about me. I dont want to sacrifice my dreams and give life to someone else's dreams. I am no Jesus Christ. The whole idea of rejection itself is terribly discomforting. I think it pains to be rejected and know that you dont matter.It pricks to know that somebody that you want doesnt need you.It scars your heart and mind when you realise that for some people your existence doesnt matter. They will lead on their glass house lives with as much grace as there ever was. It hurts to know that you are one among their mighty ocean of lovers.Well ,Is there really a fault with somebody here? Putting myself at both the places, I realised that there is something wrong in the way we are made.There are either too many of us or too few of us. There is an innate flaw in our personalities that urges us to feel wanted by selected nature and forms of human beings. It contradicts with the urge to want certain or few delightful people and not want the rest that dont soothe our senses.But what watches over the peaceful co-existence of these two contradicting traits is still mystery to me. Whatever it is , Love still boggles me and never ceases to hasten me towards more of the above mentioned mishaps. God save me.

What are you ?

I may not get you,
I even don't know if I deserve you.
you seem to be made of something regal,
I feel like a scribbling by someone frugal.

You the wind cruise in all splendor,
appreciation from the storm, destructive in me deep under.
You thrash me hard wicked, cruel angel,
try I did my luck in life, that rare little drizzle.

stop soothing my eyes at all the right places,
quit pinching my sick little heart, fed up of of races.,
cease mocking my existense, leave me atleast the traces.

I am sorry, I really dont know what you are.Leave me alone.hehehehe

Self photography

This blog post is in no means related to the image in display. The guy in the pic is my friend Ajmal.

Criticism:
Why are some people so in love with their selves? They click pictures them selves and put it up on the web so that people can see their beauty. Not that these people are really worth seeing. The really beautiful girl I know (I don’t know if she knows me) doesn’t have a picture in her orkut album. The display picture is sufficient to attract enough attention to keep her happy for at least now. She is inspired enough to make herself more beautiful so that guys have a tough chore keeping their eyes away from her. She is spoiling the most important year of my life with her attractiveness quotient. Here is this girl that I know who has at least 10 pictures of hers in various poses in her orkut profile. She isn’t very good looking at least to my trained eyes. But she is confident enough to display herself like the beauty queen who endorsed a diamond brand with hair spreads and false smiles. But why is she so particular about her photos. What is her logic? Does she think that the album is meant for that? Or whatever! But if women are so infested with the good looks bug, what is wrong with the men now? I know a guy with sufficient intelligence to make it to big places but has a mind not sufficient to estimate his own looks. He recently joined a revolutionary group at the Y who vowed to get back in shape. He was so overjoyed at his body’s response and treated himself to a self photograph session. I wonder how he did that with his primitive mobile camera. But his hour of vanity gave him one shot which he thought was worth sharing. It is up on his album nowadays. I don’t want to comment on the way he looks. But it just proves that people at the high places are in fact human at the most basic level and need as much attention as a ordinary mortal.
Introspection: If somebody is wondering what kind of a person I am , then ....

i am thinking.

My two minute ambrosia..

Well, I just finished my two minute lunch that cost me a pound and nine pence. Not a bad deal considering the fact that I had to shell out 50 pence to empty my lemonade for 20 seconds last week, at Oxford Street. It was one strange occasion in life when I anticipated controlled fun times and instead got entangled in a mesh of events over which I had no control of. I and my friend Bhaumik went chick seeing to its haven called Oxford Street. The scientist that he is, he terms London as “The city of enchanting babes”. We had decided to do more of mouth opening and less of purse opening. We go there occasionally to exercise our Cheeks which were becoming chubbier by the day, thanks to the YMCA dining hall, where the average time one spends per meal is 43 minutes. It is indeed a good way to ameliorate the cheek bones because the wide varieties of reasons definitely leave you open mouthed in aweeeeeee. Our sixth sense soon realises the location and commands the jaws to be closed only to be opened again soon. But the long road that Oxford Street is, we are assured of a good workout at the end of it, the Marble arch.
Well now in the middle of WHSmith, I realised that I had something filled up. The feeling of discomfort was mounting that eventually led me to find a way out. I miss Delhi where most of the malls have nice green, blue toilets and you are free to use it. I miss Allahabad where you are free to use any wall, green, blue or yellow without an iota of expense (mental and monetary). I expected something better in London and went about looking for it. In the heat of the moment, I saw a fairly decent looking toilet and didn’t mind dropping the 50 pence that was the cost of entry into an Oxford street mall toilet. Inside the wash room were grey metal basins where you empty yourself in front of few other males who don’t bother to see. (Thankfully for them, another depressing scene).They were strangely playing George Michaels “careless whispers”,in the toilet which left a stupid loser-like feeling in me about the whole 50 pence thing. I miss India. Shucks. 50 pence man! 40 rupees for a loo visit? I couldn’t take it. When I was coming out of the toilet, there was this Italian looking dude, who was letting in a few girls through the exit door which when fiddled with can easily let you into the washroom. Oh my god, why didn’t I get this idea? Anyways what else could be done? In retrospect, what were my other options? May be behind the roadside shop keeper between Swarovski and Next could have been a better option? What if I was caught? Or what if I was found and chased and humiliated at the middle of my act. Leave it. 50 pence well spent. Just when I was concluding, bhaumik coolly shows me the McDonalds in the mall, saying that it could have been another option. Well! I always hated science because scientists are unsmart people. He had seen it before, but decided that I would not like to use an unpaid public toilet. Huh! Am I some ******* or something? Yes I am.
My lunch today was the three bean slice from Sainsbury’s. It reminds me of kachodi and sabzi that we used to have in Allahabad. I used to love it when we missed breakfast in the hostel and walked down to Rampal hi dukhan to have kachodi and cholle. We had about 6, 7 each and then wash it down with 2, 3 cups of hot special chai. The rounded off bill comes up to about 12-15 rupees.(15 pence). This made in Great Britain three bean slice has a kachodi like covering and some rajma and something dripping with some kind of puree. I love it for it being hot and bringing me pleasant memories. Thinking of food in Allahabad, I cant forget the other superstars, mathin bhai, Chungi ke khan chacha, dhandi ke dhaba and the others. But this small little piece of three bean slice offers me a namesake meal plus reduced craving(supposedly) through till dinner. I am seriously overweight now and got pissed off recently when a terrible rascal said it was showing in my face nowadays, although he was the rotten dickhead who looks like a sucked banana retrieved from a corporation(Do they have one??) ditch in downtown Allahabad.(whatever). So, here is praying that my new favourite lunch meal will help me reduce a bit of weight and (((Oh what the fuck, I have got my exams stacked up in May and its 8 th of April, and what fucking rights do I have to sit down and pen down a blog))).Bye.

The first few days in AAIDU that changed my life...

THE SENIOR JUNIOR MENACE
It began early. With the ragging and the equally outrageous young professors, things were difficult to comprehend. The whole atmosphere was one of uncertainty and suspense. The girls weren’t special as most of them weren’t their original self. They weren’t as neatly dressed as the guys because the intimidated female seniors wouldn’t let them do that. Later I realised that it is the case with boys as well as once when I shared my feelings about a female senior with a male senior, he quickly snapped me by saying how bad she was in conduct during her first year. She was my immediate senior and my male senior definitely didn’t seem to like me liking her or even thinking about her. So what is it that troubles the seniors so much about certain juniors? I didn’t know. I had found a group of anti ragging seniors from nowhere and they adopted us as their younger brothers or robots. They said,” Now you are in safe hands and we will make sure you are immune from ragging and have a pleasurable stay in this phase of life”. I was told about how the mighty seniors were so active, intelligent, smart, innovative, strong, diligent, committed, experienced, etc. I was also promised that I would be like them one day if I diligently follow them and religiously not discern their orders. I was taken around in their Hero Honda splendours with narration of ragging stories of the past simultaneously. It was a mixed feeling, something that felt like fish prick in your naked arse when you are enjoying your skinny dip in cold water. You realise the element of freedom, but also get reminded of your vulnerability. These bike rides in the campus led to a few hush hush among my awestruck fellow freshers and a few angry seniors. I walked around the campus bravely during those days because my bhaiyya(the anti ragging saviours) is an assistant professor in the College of agricultural engg & technology, my bhaiyya is an assistant professor in the college of agriculture, my bhaiyya works in the registrar’s office. I was told so. But I really didn’t bother to cross check and didn’t know to face read their capabilities. I had three pals with me who will echo my walks of vulnerability to various degrees. These stories from seniors and false promises of many things rosy had given us a sense of disbelief at our lucks. We thought we are going to have the best times of our life. This is the place where we could bring out all our talent and shine like stars. We walked around the near empty campus exploring the directions, distances and dimensions, singing, Maddy, Maddy, Oh Oh Maddy, huh huh, Maddy, Maddy, Oh Oh Maddy. We had arrived. We took it a little too far sometimes when one day my friends taunted a senior who was 190 cm but was riding a Hero Puch. Now that looked something. My friends gave him a heartful of glares and a few words of commentary as a condiment. Shot one. Each one of us must have done many mischieves in our respective lives in the past. But this was team work. The agony of the campus and the incomprehensible mentality of the seniors was taking a toll on us. It was beginning to show on how much solace we took in taunting the seniors. These incidents were monting. Mind you the fresher’s welcome was light years away, and the degree was for 4 years. We didn’t have a clue as to what is life in AAIDU. Our outrageous behaviour led to a few complaints to the seniors that we be taught to respect them. But it only led to us being more dangerously outrageous. The anger was piling on the seniors side, esp. the malayalathans, who couldn’t digest the sight of a bunch of 4 pandi rascals walking with their heads high. I was numero uno again although I was the most subdued after the initial revolt. This is something that I again failed to understand. But eventually it led to those malayalathans passing a message to us saying that “Our hands are tied at the moment because of the supreme court rule on ragging, but the day the ragging will be called off will be the day when you will hear your death knell ! You will be like the lamb being cornered by a hungry pride of lions. ( Well, The whole campus knows who the real lions are. It is the TSSA that are the real lions. We had fought the TSSA off earlier. They ditched us as useless crumbs). We will attack you in all our might and fell you to the ground. We will show you who we are.” That struck me bad for I had gone to Allahabad with academic dreams to accomplish. So, during my long hours of introspection and thought, I decided to go slow on my aggression and find a way out of this senior junior menace. That was a moment of sadness and great learning for me as since then as a boy I had this notion of real life dominance. I thought I was a special character and possessed great abilities. I, this moment still cannot appreciate its consequence on my personality. I had submitted myself to somebody and since then have continued to submit myself in many places. I had lost my confidence badly and have forgotten what I was and where I came from. I had forgotten what I could do and what I could not. Is this wrong or right? Only time can possibly tell in my journey through AAIDU.

Oh Myself !!!! Where art thee?

Picture: Evangeline Lilly.She is beautiful .Isnt it?

Where is he?Where is the one to whom the world never mattered?Where is the one to whom love never existed?Where is the once unflappable person and his love for materialism?Has his love for inanimate things disappeared from the face of the world?What has gone wrong with his self glorified stubbornness?Where has his unshakeable belief in his own undertnding of all the world around him disappeared?Why is he not focussed on himself and only himself anymore?Why is the worldy opinion suddenly so important for him nowadays?Where is the rustic self belief and hidden confidence hidden now?Why is he suddenly disillusioned by the human relationships around him?Why are humans important to him nowadays?Why has been pretending to have broken up with his old pals,pain and loneliness?Why isnt he genuinely happy anymore?Why is he blind to the simple joys of life?Why isnt he in love with mother nature anymore?Why doesnt he respect and glorify his own self anymore?Why doesnt he push hard for his goals anymore?Why is he being affected by God's worst creations?Why do they continually cheat him and burry him.Why does this vicious circle repeat itself again:Once too many times.hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.Ohh myself!!Where art thee?

Inanimate in this animate world!

There are many times when I get lost completely in points of time and space .There has been an one off occasion of shouting inside aircrafts and trains followed by deep bouts of embarassment and guilt.This is because of my chronic affinity to slip into some unknown variable in space and time where the vehicle of my life/one in which I am travelling in suddenly crashes into something leading to my crying for life.

In life,on most occasions I imagine that I am on the course of my destination until I am pleasantly awakened to the real direction of my journey which initially remains abstract to my understanding.I am not sure if my fellow travellers feel the same as well.But in the race of life I normally lose track of my direction and suddenly manage to appear from nowhere near the finish line and emerge victorious.Although majority of the human subjects/my competitors don't realise who the Victor is of the race,I am least bothered.I know MY truth.But the success that I boasted is not my own.

I realise it very well that it comes from the ONE above.His grace transcends all limits of human understanding.I can only bow before the inexplicability of his understanding of his creations.He loves those who love HIM.This is my recipe for a successful ,happy and contentful living .It isn't so easy or is it?

I remember the Bajaj Avenger tag line which caught many a youngster's imagination,'Feel like God'.They potray this feeling, by actions of largeheartedness where you forgive people who had left indelible scars on your persona.It also shows the vehicle's suspensions that absorb the shocks offered by the road which leads to a state of trance when you ride it.This formula can be applied for a Godly life by minding our own business even when we have bottlenecks in the way of life.

But I feel that it is the mind that should be turned off from this world when you are racing in life's track.It is difficult to be so unreasonable and illogical to be not bothered about the result. But it is possible if you are confident of winning it anyway.

-What is this combination of blind confidence and focus called?

-Can you focus on anything when you are blind in the mind?

-Is it what is called faith?

-Can this impossibly tough 'being' be compared with the "Feeling like God" thing?

I don't know beacuse I havent succeeded in attaining this lively trance yet.I am still trying hard to be inanimate in this animate world!